Posted by Jessica Crawford on August 8, 2010

Confessions of a Nursing Mom

By Jessica

I don’t like breastfeeding.

There, I said it.

Alert the Bad-Mom Police if you must.

When I was pregnant, I imagined what breastfeeding would be like. Baby Charlie would nurse as we sat in a sunbeam in the warm afternoon sun. There’d be soft music in the air, most likely sung by angels. A warm glow would surround us as we oozed love for one another, and I’d be at peace knowing that I was giving my son the best nutrition that nature could produce.

Ha!

As cliche as this sounds, breastfeeding would be much more satisfying if it weren’t so damn difficult. And Charlie and I were beset with problems from the start.

My labor was loooong (listen to my birth story on PregTASTIC), and painful, and the aftermath was pretty brutal, too. Like all moms, I fumbled the first few times nursing him. The hospital nurses told me different things. I asked twice to see a lactation consultant, but she never came.

Then I didn’t sleep for several days. And I don’t mean I barely slept, or only caught cat naps here and there. I DID NOT SLEEP AT ALL FOR SEVERAL DAYS. Zero. Zilch. The lack of sleep triggered crazy anxiety, which only exacerbated the insomnia.

Through all of this, Charlie was desperately hungry and constantly screaming. My milk hadn’t come in by his wellness check four days later, and he’d already lost more than a pound. We began supplementing at the breast. Charlie stopped screaming.

On day six (after I finally got some sleep) my milk came in dribbled in. I put him to the breast at every opportunity to increase my supply, but we were hit with the typical problems: It was painful. My nipples bled constantly. I couldn’t figure out how to hold him. He couldn’t figure out the latch. When he finally latched, he’d fall asleep instantly and nothing – not even touching his skin with an ice-cold glass of water  – could rouse him. I was angry and exasperated and deflated and stressed out of my mind. I wanted to strangle people who told me, “Just relax. The baby can feel your tension, you know.”

When I pumped, I’d only get about half an ounce – total. At this point, he was easily guzzling three ounces of formula/pumped milk every 2-3 hours. There was no way I could keep up. I felt guilty. I felt like a failure. I felt like a bad mother.

Things got better once I saw a lactation consultant. She showed me how to get Charlie to latch, and for the first time I thought, “I can do this!” When I saw the consultant a week later, we were both doing much better. To increase my shred of a supply, she recommended fenugreek and mother’s milk tea. She even lent me a hospital-grade pump!

And my milk did increase. Slightly. Instead of pumping half an ounce total every 2-3 hours, I now get something closer to one ounce per breast. At 10 weeks, Charlie is eating four (combo of formula/pumped milk).

Yet now he’s started to reject me when I try to nurse him. Sometimes he has complete meltdowns if I put him in ANY nursing position, even sitting up. Or he’ll latch, suck a few times, then scream, pull back, and pound his fists against me as if trying to get away. I’ve attempted all of the tips on all of the web sites: breast compressions, expressing before he latches, skin to skin, every position imaginable, dietary changes, breaks. I’ve bared it all in front of fellow mamas who’ve unsuccessfully tried to help. Suffice it to say, I have another call into the lactation consultant.

So, as you see, breastfeeding is not fun for me. There’s no sunbeam. There’s no oozing of love. I’m usually stressed, or fighting an angry baby, or fighting feelings of failure and rejection. During the good nursing sessions, I’m on edge, expecting the melt down. I cry occasionally. I want to quit constantly.

But every day I reaffirm my commitment to nursing Charlie. I don’t care if he only gets one ounce a day from me; he’s going to get that ounce, and he’s going to like it. I am deeply committed, despite how difficult it is for me. I believe too much in the importance of breast milk. I’m too damn stubborn.

Each day that I don’t quit is another victory for me and for Charlie. Each day I take the time to congratulate myself. Breastfeeding is by far the most challenging thing I’ve ever done in my life, but it’s also given me a great deal of pride.

And that’s something even the Bad-Mom Police can get behind.

4 Comments »

1. I too HATED nursing at first! Such a lot of work! It didn’t help that I only took two weeks off to have the baby (and had a suprise C-section), and so had to pump a lot. I went through cracked nipples, mastitis, etc I think it took me until my son was 6 months old to not feel like it was such work. The second six months- they were great! I don’t know what happened for the turn around. We made it for 13 months before he weaned himself.

   Anyway, there is still hope for you to like it. Maybe 6 months will be your magic point too!

   Comment by Alissa — August 8, 2010 @ 4:46 am

2. Jessica, what an inspiration you are. Good for you for hanging in there and being stubborn. Your struggle brought me to tears and I hope that soon you will get your sunbeams and loving magic. Let the feelings of failure roll off and celebrate the insignificant events! You are a great mommy!!

   Comment by Angela — August 8, 2010 @ 12:09 pm

3. Congratulations for not giving up!!!! I know so many women that try it, don’t like it, or say they just can’t do it and give up before they even get home from the hospital. Nursing is not easy and not always joyous, but nobody really tells you that. I had a difficult time in the beginning too but I was also very determined. I went to a bi-weekly mommy and me breastfeeding group and that helped tremendously! Later when we got better (and it does get better and lots more fun), I would help other moms at the group, and my son was even shown once as an example on how to tell when a baby is latching properly. Before you know it you will be crying when it’s time to wean. Keep it up! You are doing great!!!

   Comment by Nicole — August 8, 2010 @ 7:00 pm

4. Jessica, I loved your birth story and this blog post really hits home with me. My milk never did come in despite a turbo-industrial breast pump, herbs, prayers and pleas. I’m hoping for better results this time around–I definitely want to try again. Just make sure you are getting sleep! Your adorable baby does need that one ounce of breastmilk–but he also needs a mommy that is well rested. You are doing a great job! Congratulations!!!

   Comment by Lyssa — August 9, 2010 @ 7:14 pm

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