The clock read 5:03 a.m. when I heard Charlie wake up this morning. I felt a flash of rage when I remembered it was Monday. Are you kidding me, universe?

The mental and physical exhaustion from the weekend re-settled. I felt desperation at the thought of facing my day: fixing Charlie breakfast, struggling to give him a bath, bribing him to get his shoes on for school, commuting in traffic, spending 8 hours at work, driving 90 minutes to pick up Charlie and get him back home, trying to feed him dinner without it ending up on the floor or on his head, 30 minutes of hysterics at bedtime, and the inevitable bickering between Charles and I. Oh, and I have to finish some homework before I collapse.

It was time to take a mental health day.

Parenting just feels hard lately. Charlie is at a stage in which his emotions are running high, yet he doesn’t have the cognitive ability to handle them nor the language to express what he’s feeling. So, he whines. A LOT. And throws things. And clings. And kicks. He’s also decided that he takes only one 40-minute nap a day. Dear Lord, help us.

Coupled with all this is my weakness at being “the disciplinarian” and my inability to experience his unhappiness without internalizing a lot of crap that a therapist probably needs to sort out.

I know this is a terrible cliche, but I never realized how selfish I was until I became a parent. There are times I feel resentful that Charlie is so needy right now. Or that we can’t watch TV (our parental choice), use our phones or open a computer when he’s around. I tried to read a textbook in the same room, but he flipped out that he couldn’t have my hi-lighter. CHILD, WHERE IS YOUR OFF SWITCH?!

It’s times like this when I feel I suck at being a mom. Good parents don’t feel resentment toward their children. Good parents don’t desperately yearn for a few hours of solitude – one with no baby, husband, daughter, house, work, or school responsibilities. Good parents handle the tantrums and neediness, because – duh – they signed up for this going in.

On top of all this, I feel society constantly reminding me that I must treasure these years, which go by oh so quickly. Because when they’re over, your children leave you and you die. Alone.

(See, I really did need this mental health day.)

I recall this great TED talk I once watched about taboos in parenting. In it, the speakers (founders of Babble.com) address the false “party line” that every aspect of a parent’s life gets drastically better after the arrival of a child (skip to 11:12 for this section). They share a slide about peaks and valleys of happiness throughout life. Your 20s, for example, are pretty stable, but it’s not until you have kids that you resubmit yourself to the extreme highs and lows you experienced in your own childhood.

This morning, I truly felt that low. And it sucked. But I also remember that incredible high yesterday when Charlie ran to me and buried himself in my arms after a long run. Or how he hummed the melody of “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” to us for the first time.

At the end of the day, I willingly trade the stability of my 20s for these few, precious, transcendent moments.

To use another parenting cliche, it’s so worth it.

• Having to constantly pull up my pants and pull down my shirt as my belly does its best to fight its way out.
• Being able to wash only a few dishes at the sink before my back begins to hurt from having to hunch over to reach the faucet.
• Getting winded going up the stairs.
• Exerting a decent amount of effort just to roll over at night.
• Debating how badly I need to retrieve an item if it falls on the floor, as opposed to leaving it there until one of the kids can get it.
• Balancing carefully and with great caution as I quickly try to put on my socks…and pray it works on the first attempt.
• Grunting when I stand up, sit down or sometimes move in general.
• Exploding ankles that are the size of my calves. Thank goodness it’s not shorts season.

Even still, those annoyances are nothing compared to what some women experience. So, I suppose I’ll waddle my way through the next few weeks, all the while hiking up my pants and enjoying these last moments of being pregnant.

In this episode: Sunny (host), Rachele, Alison, Cherri and Jamie
Guest Expert: Carol Yeh-Garner, Certified Hypnotherapist, http://www.awelllivedlife.net 

Jamie, Cherri, Carol and Sunny

Carol Yeh-Garner, Hynotherapist

I am 39 and I have wanted this third child for so long! Since I spent years to convince my husband and finally gotten pregnant, I feel like this should be a very happy and content time of my life. After all, a dream is coming true! But while I try not to show it too much to my husband and friends, I feel like my body is falling apart.

Women are always told that pregnancy is a wonderful time in their lives that they need to relish and enjoy, but that often leaves us puzzled when things are more severe than expected. Husbands have no clue how it is to carry a watermelon under your shirt that compresses your lungs and shares your blood supply! Doctors will tell you that nausea, hemorrhoids, shortness of breath and fatigue are normal! And even other mothers have often conveniently forgotten how horrible you can feel while pregnant. (Especially mothers-in-law seem to have never had a bad day in their entire pregnancies or while raising their perfect children!) The only truly compassionate audience for your pregnancy complaints are other pregnant women! And while there is a small percentage, especially among first time mothers, that just sail through those 40 weeks without any water retention, stretch marks or heart burn, most of my readers will probably sympathize with my struggle on some level!

So what is so particularly painful this time around at 30 weeks into the pregnancy? It’s my veins – in all the wrong places! I have varicose veins in my legs that required putting on a support hose pretty much from the day I found out I was pregnant. My old friend, the cheeky hemorrhoid, has made an appearance again, but does not bother me so far (I know his time usually comes after birth). And finally I have developed the most awful, hot and swollen varicose vein in my vulva. As soon as I stand up and walk around, it fills to a painful level. It basically feels as sore down there as right after giving birth – 10 weeks before the action! I have bought a vaginal support belt, but since the pressure has to be generated somehow, it is quite uncomfortable on my hips!

Add to that the beginning of a prematurely separating pelvis and a very angry sciatic nerve … some days I feel like I should be in a nursing home! Can’t bend over, can’t squat, can’t walk, can’t lift… However the kids have to get to school and the dog has to be exercised twice a day, groceries have to be bought and the house has to be cleaned!

My midwife told me I was not allowed to ride my bike anymore since that aggravated the pelvis, however this was the quickest way for dog and school run and avoided the vulva swelling. So now I go out like an armadillo and it takes me about 15 min to put on all the armour: support hose for legs, vulva support belt, maternity belt for lower back / pelvis support. It is ridiculous!

I know things will get even harder in the last 10 weeks. I might have to start driving the kids to school and hire a dog walker. I could have my groceries delivered and a cleaning lady hired. But right now I can still manage, at least another week or two… I just needed a little whine & a moan to feel better. So thanks for listening – and don’t tell my mother-in-law!

Robin Kaplan is a lactation consultant and owner of the San Diego Breastfeeding Center. Throughout the week, she helps breastfeeding mothers during in-home lactation consultations, her clinic and free weekly support group, and prenatal breastfeeding classes. In addition to writing a weekly blog about breastfeeding and parenting, Robin is also the co-editor of the International Lactation Consultant Association blog, Lactation Matters and a monthly contributor for the Natural Kidz blog.

Robin lives in San Diego, CA with her husband, Jason, their two sons, Benjamin and Ryan, and their dog, Tilly. She has a love of cooking, traveling, hiking, going to the beach, social media, and teaching.

Robin Kaplan, M.Ed., IBCLC = Episode #246: Weaning and Breastfeeding While Pregnant

Of course that’s what I thought: How hard can it be? I mean really. The lactation consultant at the hospital murmured things about my “excellent anatomy” and told me I’d have no problems with nursing. Sure enough, the first couple weeks after my son was born were fine. My husband kept remarking, “Look at you! You’re a natural!” as I whipped a breast out at the dinner table or while watching TV. I got this, I thought. No problem.

What no one warned me about though was that when it comes to breastfeeding, it really does take two to tango. And as with any relationship, problems can go both ways. So while my anatomy may have been up to the task, unfortunately my son did not agree. After a strong start, he suddenly decided that he really did not like nursing. From about three weeks onward, breastfeeding became an all-out struggle, a dance of coercion and heartbreak. His weight gain dropped off precipitously, I became severely depressed, and no one could figure out what was going on. We put him on medication for acid reflux, which did nothing. I stopped taking birth control again, which helped both with his nursing and my mood, but his weight gain remained low.

Eventually I reconciled myself to the fact that my boy was just not a good nurser. He nursed quickly and only when hungry, never needing the breast for comfort or entertainment or any of the myriad other reasons that most babies nurse. I watched my friends’ babies latch on easily and then nurse without incident, while my encounters at the breast remained at best short and businesslike.

We started our son on solids at five months, figuring they’d help with his weight gain. To our surprise, at his six month appointment, he had actually fallen off the growth chart! So we upped his solids again, giving him foods with a much higher fat content: yogurt, eggs, olive oil, tofu. He continued to nurse regularly, and our pediatrician assured us that the additional solids would supplement rather than replace breastmilk in his diet.

Then around seven months, right around Christmas, the boy went on his first nursing strike. He wouldn’t touch my breast for love or money, and recoiled from it as if it were poison. Back to the good old days. Of course this threw me into a tailspin of depression similar to when he was three months old — there is no rejection quite like that of your child not wanting the food your body has produced for him! He started nursing again after a few days, but a couple weeks later, we went through the same thing all over again.

As I waited for this second strike to pass, it became clear to me that it wasn’t just a temporary thing. My boy, never fond of nursing at the best of times, was clearly indicating that he was ready to cut way back on nursing, if not stop altogether. Since then, he’s averaged about three times in a 24 hour period, four on a good day. This may be normal for a nearly eight month old, but considering that he had been nursing six and sometimes eight times a day only a few weeks before, this came as a dramatic change, one with a very clear message: I’m done. So with a heavy heart I have stopped pushing the issue, as the renewed struggle to get him to nurse was making both of us unhappy.

Just to be safe though, I asked the nurse to weigh him when I took him in for his flu booster. To my amazement, he had gained two pounds in under six weeks! He hasn’t gained weight that fast since his first month of life. Of course I was hugely relieved at this news, and once I put my own mess of feelings aside, I was able to see that my son is clearly much happier eating solids than he ever has been with nursing.

So as with any relationship, I found happiness when I put aside my own ego and listened to what my partner was trying to tell me. There is still a part of me — the straight-A overachiever in me — that feels like I “failed” at nursing. But then I look at my happy, healthy, and thankfully growing child, and I know that I did my absolute best. And besides, there’s always next time, right?

In this episode: Sunny (host), Rachele, Alison, Cherri and Jamie

What has been most surprising to you about your pregnant wife or about pregnancy in general? 

I was surprised by how big she got, especially towards the last few months.  I told a good friend about my surprise and then he later confided to me that he was also surprised by how big his wife became when they were expecting.  My wife became more beautiful with all that shiny hair and glowing skin.  And even though she complained a lot about her belly, I think it is beautiful.  Not necessarily sexy, but definitely beautiful.   She became more beautiful.

How would you compare this pregnancy to #1 and #2?

She ate a ton of clementines with the first one.  One crate after another!  I couldn’t keep up with maintaining a steady supply in the kitchen.  We have two kids to chase now but since she’s not working (as she did with the previous pregnancies), I guess it evens out in some ways.  Also, because she’s not working outside the home, she’s not as stressed out.

What do you love about pregnancy?

The baby at the end.  It’s also fun to see everybody else getting excited for us when we share the news about the pregnancy.

What has been a crazy or unusual craving from your wife?

She wanted hot wings, which we’ve never ordered or made at home.  So we ordered hot wings with various degrees of spiciness.

What pregnancy-related request do you get regularly?

A back-rub.  Also, picking the kids up into and out of places (e.g., the bath tub, car seat, booster seat, carousel, toilet) gets too hard as her belly starts to weigh her down.  Hence, the back-rub.

Which trimester is the most difficult for you (to witness) as husband?

The first is hard to watch because she’s so tired and, with this pregnancy (a boy), the nausea hit her hard.  She didn’t have that with the girls.  The nausea seemed really intense for about 2 months and she also couldn’t drink coffee, which she loves. I’m not a coffee drinker, but if I had a Pepsi-aversion, that would be rough.  The third trimester is also tough to watch because of the big belly, but she still tries to do everything, especially when the “nesting” instinct kicks in.

Now I will admit that I would be thrilled to have a little girl and finally being able to wander over into the pink section and immerse myself in tutus, princesses and dolls! But as a mother of a disabled child I have to say that “healthy baby” is on top of the list, no matter what gender!

Nevertheless, while we were trying to conceive I did some research to see whether there is any definitive information out there on how to influence the gender at conception. I was amazed by the massive amount of tips, tricks and devices that promise to result in the gender of the reader’s choice! Put “How to conceive a boy” into Google and you get about 10,000,000 hits! Some methods are free and some are pricey, but – with the exception gender selected embryo IVF – no method is guaranteed, despite all the glowing testimonials!

So here is a brief overview of all the theories floating around:

The most commonly known method for gender selection is the Shettles method. It’s based on the principle that male sperm are faster, but die quicker, while female sperm are slow, but hang around longer. So therefore – if you can pinpoint your ovulation – you just need to have intercourse up to 2 days before ovulation for a girl and on the day of ovulation, if you want a boy. (While this method is well known, we tried it with our second child and it did not work for us. Many testimonials online state similar failure and some go as far as claiming Shettle’s research was flawed and irreproducible.)

Almost an opposite timing is propagated by the O+12 (pronounced “oh plus twelve”) method, which proposes intercourse about 12 hours after ovulation for a girl. Supposedly discovered by a mother that had six sons before conceiving a girl with this, a small New Zealand study confirmed the findings. However pinpointing ovulation to the hour requires some serious discipline (with basal temperature charting and mucus observation) or a major gadget (like an ovulation monitor) – never mind a partner that can stand by for urgent intercourse!

In addition to these timing methods, you can go a step further an monitor the pH of your vagina – alkaline favors boys, more acidic favors girl sperm. Usually the entrance of the vagina is more acidic, so shallow penetration (”missionary position”) for a girl, while orgasms make the environment more alkaline, thus boy sperm friendly. In order to really tweak your vaginal pH some websites promote a “gender diet” – for girls try acidic foods, high in calcium and magnesium, for boys alkaline foods, high in salt and potassium. Most websites give long lists of specific foods that you are allowed to eat for one or the other, but all have the disclaimer that you should not do this for more than 3 months in order to avoid nutritional deficits.

The newest scientific research actually suggests that the gender is not so much determined by the sperm that gets to the egg first, but by the polarity of the egg at the moment – the ovule membrane has an alternating charge throughout the cycle and attracts or rejects the themselves slightly polarized sperm chromosomes. (You can actually separate male from female sperm by electrolysis.) There are several websites that claim they have done enough research to be able to determine when your egg will charged on a way to attract male or female sperm by the day. For that, they want your age, blood type and date of first period – and A LOT of money. A 6 months gender prediction calendar can cost up to $250 and even though most offer a “money back guarantee” (= send in the birth certificate of the “wrong gender” conceived), that seems more like a money making scheme than sound scientific advice.

Are you confused yet, what to believe? We were! So we decided to give it up to Mother Nature, which – after all – still meant a chance of 50-50. I would love to be able to report here what gender we conceived, however the baby had its legs firmly closed during the last ultrasound and so I will have to endure a couple more weeks of “Do you know what you are having? Are you hoping for a girl?”. I assume we will know the gender at the very latest when it comes out!

• Finally settle on a baby girl name.
• Have a natural birth with a healthy mom and baby.
• Spend at least the first year nursing without complaining about the time commitment.
• Read a lot, even if I’m tired from caring for a newborn.
• Run. And feel blessed to be able to do it again.
• Encourage a good sleep schedule for the baby, but don’t be beholden to it.
• Be more flexible. And I’m not talking about touching my toes (though that would be nice, too).

What about you? Did you set any resolutions or reminders?