Posted by Lyssa Hurst on August 22, 2010

My Breast Was Not Best

I am a big supporter of breastfeeding. In fact, I wanted nothing more than to breastfeed my newborn son. Back then, I thought women who said they “couldn’t”, were just not given the support and education they needed, that they lacked the commitment and sacrifice needed to establish a good milk supply and routine. I was in for quite a rude awakening.

We did all the “right things” when Quinn was born–we were skin to skin almost immediately, he was latched on within his first 30 minutes of life, and I religiously logged how long he was on each breast. Soon however, I watched my sweet newborn turn an interesting shade of yellow and wondered if his tiny, very absorbent little diaper had any urine in it–it can be hard to tell (I love the nurse who taught me to place a tissue in the diaper to see if was wet). They sent me home assuming that my milk was just slow to come in.

The details are a bit fuzzy almost 5 years later, but I know there was very little sleep and much worry that my son was starving and I was to blame. Our pediatrician had a lactation consultant who was immensely helpful–she set me up with a turbo-charged, hospital grade breast pump and a supplemental feeding system.  Another lactation consultant and friend told me what herbs to take, how much water to drink and I followed all orders as directed–to the point of what felt like insanity.

Despite all of these interventions, my milk never came in. I cried tears of guilt and shame as I doomed my baby to a life of ear infections and decreased intelligence. It was a whole new level of failure to know that I was depriving my child of this essential concoction which Mother Nature had intended for his optimal growth and development.

I do support breastfeeding and my mind understands and supports the zealous campaigning being done to promote it. My heart still feels sad that Quinn and I began our bond together distressed over the fact that my body just would not work the “right” way. We moms are all in this to grow healthy babies. The breast is best, it is good for the baby and good  for the mom–but,  if breastfeeding is not possible, it is reassuring to know that a formula fed little munchkin can turn into a healthy, vibrant child who has only had two ear infections in five years and is well-bonded with his mommy.

2 Comments »

1. I could have written this entry about my experience with my son. The worst, to me, is the underlying rhetoric that if you don’t or can’t breastfeed, you are somehow doing less for your child. I spent the first 6 weeks of my son’s life agonizing over pumping, schedules, herbs, diet and whatever I could do to increase my supply. It took a lactation nurse to tell me it was time to give him formula. My family has been so much happier since that day. Yes, I still sometimes (but not often) feell a little sad and wish I could’ve breastfed, but in the end, my family is happier and healthier.

   Comment by Karen — August 23, 2010 @ 3:41 pm

2. I could not agree more! I had a similar experience and tortured myself for six weeks because I thought that was best for my Son. It turns out that what is best for my son…is a happy Mom! I hope your story helps other Moms feel less guilt.

   Comment by Beth — August 23, 2010 @ 5:36 pm

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