Posted by Julia P on June 14, 2009

The side of pregnancy you DON’T see advertised

This post does not include cute pastel colors, or butterflies, or fairies, or cutesie baby dolls, or dresses, or fuzzy stuffed animals. It is not about little feet, or baby hiccups in the womb, or cute little kicks.

This is me, alone (or semi-alone, since my unborn daughter is telling her mama that she is awake right now), in front of the computer at 3 am, after having woken up crying at 1:30 am.

This is the part of pregnancy people don’t tell you about when you sign up for it.

Pregnancy isn’t always about that woman who stares down at her belly lovingly, and dreams of all the things that she and her new baby will do. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done that. I’m not sure I would say I *love* my daughter, yet, though I know I certainly will, once she gets here. And perhaps that’s part of the reason I’m feeling the way I do, which is overwhelmed, alone, and not *right*. I mean, SHOULDN’T I be all about fluffy animals, and cutesie baby clothes, and nesting right now? I only have a little bit more than five weeks left. Shouldn’t I be eager and ready to meet my daughter? So why am I feeling all this crazy anxiety, why am I thinking that I *can* wait to see my daughter, why am I waking up with tears streaking down my face, why am I feeling like the biggest loser in the world because I should be happier than I am about my baby? It’s not like I haven’t been feeling all those things, the happy ones, I mean. It’s just that, the closer she gets to being here, the bigger the worries loom. The apartment feels too small, what will my three-year-old think, budget cuts and financial woes at work. And then, and then there’s the guilt that comes with not being 100% happy that I am having a baby, since all the world seems to tell me that I *should* be extremely happy, simply because I am pregnant, and babies are gifts. My pregnancy was planned. My husband and I want another child. I’m not sure why I am feeling the way I am, exactly. Perhaps a combination of life stress, and also pregnancy hormones. Some form of ante-partum depression apparently affects about 10-20% of women who are pregnant, though a lot of them do not get diagnosed properly because there is the age old image of the “hormonal pregnant lady” who had crazy mood swings and cries at the drop of a hat. I’m not even sure that I’m saying I’m depressed. I’m not sure anyone will understand what I’m going through, since the image of the wonderfully happy pregnant woman is extremely powerful, and perhaps people won’t understand why I would feel sad at all. I guess, I guess I just feel as though I should feel okay to have negative feelings during pregnancy, without feeling like I’m flying in the face of years of Gerber and Johnson and Johnson commercials, and this post is my way of telling myself that it will be okay.

2 Comments »

1. 

   Wow, I’m only starting my second trimester, but I’ve been feeling the same way. I’ve been seeing a therapist to try to help me get over some of the anxious/sad thoughts, and she said that this isn’t odd or uncommon. Pregnancy is a confusing time, and having a baby brings good AND bad things, so it’s only natural to feel mixed emotions.

   It’s so hard to believe that when you’re feeling so lousy inside when everyone expects you to be glowingly happy. I guess I just wanted to tell you you’re not the only one.

   Comment by Jen — June 15, 2009 @ 7:55 am

2. 

   i just want to tell you to stay strong and that everything you are feeling is ok. having a baby, even your second, is a huge life transformation, and all life transformations bring about a range of emotions..i think you are very brave to share the dark emotional side of pregnancy that the majority of women experience in pregnancy and is not talked about very much. i was personally shocked at the level of intensity of the internal process that goes on during pregnancy. like an intense spiritual cleansing and transformation in a relatively short period of time. i feel that facing all your emotions honestly and not judging yourself, or other women, for them, is empowering and ultimately will make you more present and prepared for your child. i’m 37 weeks pregnant with my first child, and feel like i have grown so much with pregnancy alone! an some of it has been painful, but all for the best outcome possible. i love the podcast by the way, have been listening since i was 20 weeks, its been a huge source of information and support! thank you

   Comment by marta — June 25, 2009 @ 9:21 pm

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